I’ve experienced being single at various points in my adult life. Once, I chose it intentionally, while other times it seemed like no one wanted to date me. Despite the occasional misery and confusion, those were some of the most formative periods of my life. I learned more about myself than I ever could have with someone by my side. Now that I’m married, I am a better partner and a better person in all aspects of my life.
As William Butler Yeats said, “Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing.” Whether you choose singledom or are thrust into it, being unattached provides the best opportunity for true personal growth.
So, to all the men who didn’t want to date me back then, I want to thank you. Seriously. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you (or rather, without you). And to all the women out there who are single and hating it, here are eight reasons to appreciate this time in your life, hard as it may sometimes feel.
- You Learn to Stop Fearing Loneliness
While the aftermath of a breakup is painful, it’s different from loneliness. Loneliness isn’t caused by someone; it’s the lack of someone. It’s when, even though you feel fine on your own, you still wish you could share your days with someone special.
Only by facing loneliness head-on do you learn not to fear it. And not fearing loneliness is one of the most freeing feelings in the world. When you realize you won’t die from being without someone, your next relationship takes on a whole new meaning. There’s less dependence and more partnership, less anxiety that it will end and more appreciation that it simply exists. After confronting loneliness, relationships will no longer define your life; they will simply add to it.
- You Have More Time to Cultivate Other Sources of Support
Couples often start living in a bubble, relying exclusively on each other. When you’re single, you’re forced to turn to others in your life for guidance, support, love, and laughter. The more you explore and nurture these friendships as a single woman, the stronger they’ll be when you do meet that special someone.
Instead of having your significant other be your sole source of strength, you’ll have a more balanced network of support. So grab a glass of wine with a coworker after a terrible day at work or pick up the phone and call a friend. These people will likely continue to be the best ones to turn to in times of need long after you find yourself coupled up.
- You Come to Rely on Yourself
Learning to be independent is crucial. Make dinner for one, unclog the toilet yourself, learn to eat alone at restaurants, and live by yourself (if it’s affordable, that is).
Sure, you can learn these things in a relationship, but the difference when you’re single is there’s no safety net. If the toilet won’t unclog, you can’t just call your significant other to help. I guarantee that will give you the extra oomph to finish the job yourself. (I once resorted to carrying buckets of dirty toilet water to the backyard. It wasn’t fun, but I’m oddly proud of it.)
- You Don’t Have to Compromise Your Future
Being single means having total freedom over your day-to-day plans and a chance to make your own plans for life without considering someone else. Thinking of going to grad school? Always wanted to take that trip to Greece? Now is the time to do it. If I had never gotten dumped, I never would’ve moved to Chicago, landed a job at a magazine, or met my now-husband.
Rather than focusing on how your life will change based on the next person you meet, focus on how you can change your life for the better—then do it. Making big changes alone can be scary, but they are worth it. Best of all, later in life, you’ll never have to wonder what you might have done or where you might have gone. Your “what ifs” will instead be “remember whens.”
- You Learn to Comfort Yourself
Many people have never learned to sleep alone as adults (including badass Nicki Minaj). Now, when my husband is away for work and I hear a noise in the apartment and start to freak out, I think, “Remember when you lived in that little studio without a deadbolt and stuck a chair under the door handle as a replacement for real security? Yeah. You were fine then. You’re fine now.”
- You Get to Date Yourself
Dates are fun with another person, but they can be enjoyable by yourself too. Going to a spa or getting your hair cut shouldn’t be the only solo activities. Explore a museum at your own pace on a Saturday afternoon, take a hike through a nature preserve, see a movie in theaters, or go to your favorite restaurant and ask for a table for one.
- You Discover Your Own Interests
Without the influence of a partner, you have the freedom to explore what truly interests you. Whether it’s picking up a new hobby, diving into a book genre you never considered, or traveling to places on your own terms, being single allows you to discover and develop your passions independently.
- You Build Your Self-Esteem
Being single forces you to rely on your own validation instead of seeking it from a partner. You learn to appreciate your own company, celebrate your accomplishments, and build a strong sense of self-worth. This self-esteem boost not only benefits you in your personal life but also in your professional and social interactions.
Embrace your single life as a time of growth, self-discovery, and empowerment. The experiences and lessons you gain now will make you a stronger, more confident person, ready to face whatever comes next.
