Manipulation, whether subtle or blatant, happens frequently. It can occur when buying a car, during an argument with a partner, or when a demanding boss piles on more tasks. Recognizing the signs of manipulation can help you avoid unnecessary drama and stress.

Psychological manipulation, where someone exploits another to serve their own agenda, can indicate an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, this can be harder to identify. “To understand manipulation, we have to explore the difference between negotiation and manipulation,” says Nicole Richardson, LPC-S, LMFT-S, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “In negotiation, there is a give and take, whereas with manipulation, it’s typically one person’s needs or agenda prioritized over the other’s.” Recognizing manipulation can be challenging, especially when you’re unsure about your own wants and needs.

Being manipulated by a friend, family member, or partner never feels good. To help prevent it and get the support you need, watch for these signs of a manipulative person.

1. They Guilt Trip You

Manipulators often use guilt to maintain control. They might scramble your thoughts with strange apologies and guilt-inducing comments. “Someone who prioritizes their agenda over your needs will want you to feel guilty about disappointing them,” Richardson explains. They twist your words and assign negative characteristics to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries. This is an example of gaslighting, a form of verbal abuse that makes you doubt yourself and question reality.

2. They Ignore Your Input

A manipulative person may assume you agree with everything they say. “We all project our assumptions onto people and situations,” notes Richardson. However, “a manipulator will confuse you and insist you said or did something to validate their view,” whereas someone who isn’t manipulative will listen when you disagree. Manipulators often exploit your memory, saying things like, “You always did have a bad memory,” to control the narrative.

3. They Don’t Give You Time to Make Decisions

In non-urgent situations, there’s usually time to think things through. Be cautious of those who pressure you for quick decisions, especially if money is involved. “Outside of life-threatening situations, you should have time to sleep on a decision or have a day or two to think,” Richardson explains. Manipulators hope you’ll bend under pressure, but it’s essential to feel respected and have enough time to make decisions.

4. They Don’t Help Resolve Problems

Unresolved arguments are common in unhealthy relationships. Manipulators prefer unresolved issues because they maintain control. In healthy relationships, both partners listen and compromise. Manipulators, however, adopt a “my way or the highway” attitude, making you feel like you have no choice but to give in.

5. They Undermine Your Self-Confidence

Manipulators knock you down to make you more malleable. This is seen in “negging,” where backhanded compliments increase your need for approval. Richardson advises, “If someone feels they need to make you feel less-than to gain power over you, they will try to control and manipulate you.” A caring person lifts you up, not tears you down.

6. They Force You Out of Your Comfort Zone

Manipulators retain the upper hand by pushing you out of your comfort zone, whether physically, emotionally, or financially. While a supportive person encourages you to try new things, a manipulator suggests you have character flaws if you don’t comply. For instance, pressuring you to try unsafe activities and calling you “boring” if you refuse is a form of manipulation.

7. They Butter You Up with Small Requests

Manipulators ask for small favors first, then follow up with their real requests. The goal is to get you saying “yes” initially, making it harder to refuse later. Richardson notes, “Just like with consent, you can say ‘yes’ and change your mind.” If you object to increasing requests, manipulators often turn the tables, making you feel guilty and defensive.

8. They Offer the Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a manipulative tactic. “There is value in taking breaks from tense conversations,” Richardson explains. “Someone who isn’t punishing you will express a need to finish the conversation later.” Manipulators, however, use silence as punishment, making you feel you deserve it. Their silence leverages power, pushing you to end the madness by giving in.

9. They Pretend to Be Concerned

Manipulators show fake concern to undermine your decisions and confidence. “They butter you up,” says Chlipala. “They suddenly take interest in your life, making time for you, all to get what they want.” If a friend or relative is suddenly overly concerned, it could be a manipulation tactic.

10. They Intentionally Disregard You

Manipulators act as if they don’t understand your requests, letting themselves off the hook. “People who ‘play dumb’ avoid responsibility,” Richardson says. Legitimately confused people course-correct when pointed out, while manipulators give excuses and seek exceptions.

11. They Behave Passive-Aggressively

Passive-aggressive behavior is another manipulation tactic. For instance, a partner might “forget” your dry cleaning to make you mad. “When it’s an honest mistake, the person will express sincere remorse,” Richardson tells Bustle. Manipulators, however, have endless excuses for their behavior.

12. They Withhold Things from You

Manipulators withhold things like affection, sex, or money to coerce you into doing their bidding. Chlipala says, “Withholding something important is a power-play move, making you feel you must change your behavior to get what you need or want.”

13. They Wear You Down

A manipulator will persistently ask until you’re so annoyed that you finally cave. “They keep pestering until you agree, causing you to violate your own boundaries,” Chlipala explains. This persistence makes you feel powerless and exhausted.

Recognizing manipulation is crucial, as it’s not always done consciously. Some manipulative people may not realize their behavior, while others are fully aware. Understanding these signs can help you avoid being used, duped, or taken advantage of.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.

Experts:

• Nicole Richardson, LPC-S, LMFT-S, licensed marriage and family therapist
• Anita Chlipala, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love