Relationships are like the ocean, with natural ebbs and flows that change over time. It’s not uncommon for couples to feel close during some phases and distant during others. But how can you tell the difference between a natural ebb and a partner who is genuinely losing interest?
Start with a Conversation
“The first step is to talk about it,” says Neena Lall, LCSW, MPH, a licensed clinical social worker and Grouport therapist. “Through talking about it, you may find that there are changes you can make together to improve relationship satisfaction.” If you feel emotionally distant, purposefully spending more time together may help. “If there is distance or a rupture in your relationship, doing the work to repair it can increase a sense of safety and intimacy for both of you,” Lall explains. However, if your partner seems disinterested, you may be picking up on a bigger problem, especially if they stonewall you, get defensive, or react with contempt when you try to discuss your concerns. These are signs your partner may have checked out and no longer wants to invest in the relationship. If any of the signs below sound familiar, you might be able to reconnect with your partner’s help. But if not, don’t be afraid to move on to better things.
1. Your Partner Feels Like a Roommate
A partner may be losing interest if they start to act more like a roommate, says therapist Dr. Lexx Brown-James, LMFT. If you live together, this might manifest as a “frosty” vibe, such as no longer wanting to eat breakfast together or cuddle on the couch. If you don’t live together, you may notice a drop in intimacy, like fewer hugs or a lack of desire to plan ahead for date nights. While most relationships become more comfortable and sometimes less passionate after the initial honeymoon phase, living platonically isn’t a great sign.
What to Do: Brown-James suggests rebuilding intimacy by asking and answering questions like, “What did we do at the beginning of our relationship that made each other feel loved and appreciated?” Prioritize those sweet, fun things and see if it helps bring you closer again.
2. You Haven’t Had Sex in a While
If you used to fall into bed every night and your partner is suddenly less interested in sex, it might seem like a red flag. Many couples have sex less often as their relationship progresses and once the honeymoon phase ends. Health issues and work stress can also play a role. However, it can point to a loss of interest in the relationship and, in some cases, can be a sign of cheating.
What to Do: While it’s tough to talk about sex, try to find time to discuss the changes you’ve noticed and the amount of sex you’d like to have. See if there’s a way to make you both happy. You might even agree to take a purposeful break from sex for a couple of weeks to reignite a spark and work on other problems in your relationship.
3. They Don’t Include You in Their Plans
If your partner stops including you in their plans, it could be a sign they’re losing interest. Relationship consultant Chris Seiter says this is especially true if they no longer consider you when creating their weekly schedule.
What to Do: If you’re always the one to reach out to make plans, have a talk with your partner. Let them know you’ve been feeling left out and see what they say. Suggest an exciting date idea to breathe new life into your relationship. If your partner still doesn’t match your enthusiasm, it may be time to break up.
4. You Go to Special Events Separately
It isn’t always possible for couples to attend every event and holiday together. But if you used to go to their house for Christmas and now they want to go alone, it’s a red flag, Brown-James says. The same applies if they have a work event and don’t ask you to join. This can indicate a lack of interest or investment in your life as a couple.
What to Do: Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask if there’s a specific reason your partner wants to go alone. If it keeps happening, consider if this relationship dynamic is making you happy. If you want something more, that’s OK! You shouldn’t have to change what’s important to you for a relationship to work.
5. Your Partner Is Always Moody
It’s normal for couples to feel annoyed with each other occasionally. But if their mood seems particularly agitated or avoidant, it could be a sign your partner is thinking about leaving. To check if their mood has to do with your relationship, consider how they act in other areas of their life. According to Brown-James, it’s a red flag if they only get moody around you and not around their friends, family, or coworkers. Romantic relationships are often the most intense and complicated and thus most likely to induce a “mood,” but ongoing crankiness can point to a desire to leave.
What to Do: The next time your partner picks a fight over nothing, ask them what the real issue is. This opens the doors for a frank conversation to get to the bottom of what’s bugging them, hopefully improving your relationship. Brown-James suggests starting with “I statements” like “I’m noticing this” or “I’m feeling that” followed by the emotion you’re experiencing. This approach can lead to a more constructive conversation. In conclusion, while it’s normal for relationships to have ups and downs, recognizing the signs of a partner losing interest and addressing them through open communication can help determine if the relationship can be repaired or if it’s time to move on.
