When you first got together, you and your partner couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You’d spend entire weekends in bed, only reluctantly leaving to attend social commitments you couldn’t skip. Flash forward a year or two, and now the only action you’re getting is from the colorful collection of vibrating friends in your bedside drawer. Relationships naturally evolve once the honeymoon phase ends. As you become more comfortable with each other, prioritizing your relationship may slip, leading to a decrease in spontaneous, passionate sex. But what do you do if you find yourself in a completely sexless relationship?

According to Dr. Dana McNeil, a licensed marriage and family therapist, a sexless relationship is one where the lack of sex is problematic for at least one partner. It can cause emotional distress, insecurity, and overall dissatisfaction with the relationship.

For many, sexual satisfaction is crucial to the health of a long-term relationship. However, the biggest issue often isn’t the lack of sex itself but rather that it’s not being acknowledged. “Many partners, innocently enough, try to minimize the problem or dismiss the issue because they don’t know how to handle it or are embarrassed,” McNeil says. “This will backfire every time.” If you’re feeling some discontent in this area, here are a few tips to help you move forward and hopefully rekindle your sexual connection.

What Are The Causes Of A Sexless Relationship?

There are many reasons why couples stop having regular sex, and each situation is unique. According to McNeil, the most common reason for a sexless marriage or relationship is simply exhaustion from your daily routine. You get up early, go for a run, head to work, call your mom, make dinner, and suddenly it’s 10 p.m., and you’re out cold on the couch. The next day, it’s the same story.

“What typically happens is that couples get into the business of ‘being in a relationship’ versus cultivating a connection,” McNeil says. “For some, sex can begin to feel like another box to check on their to-do list. The thought of having to get their mojo on and ‘perform’ sexually loses its shine when they just worked a 10-hour shift.”

Major betrayals, resentment, or unresolved conflict can also contribute to a lack of sex and intimacy. Even minor issues, like leaving dishes undone or letting laundry pile up, if left unaddressed, can fester to the point where one partner loses interest altogether.

“Withdrawing from being intimate can start to feel like a physical shield that protects the wounded partner from experiencing too much vulnerability,” McNeil says. “Sometimes taking sex off the table can feel like a way to take back control in the relationship.”

It’s also important to note that physical injuries, certain medications, or health conditions can negatively affect your sex life. For instance, if your partner is dealing with depression (or taking medication to treat it), that may decrease their libido.

How To Talk To Your Partner About The Lack Of Sex In Your Relationship

The good news is that sexless relationships aren’t doomed to stay that way forever. To address this issue and change the pattern, it’s crucial to first understand your own feelings about the matter.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Lesli Doares suggests identifying your beliefs and expectations around sex and the role you want it to play in your relationship. Start with self-reflection. Ask yourself questions like: “Why haven’t we been having sex? Are we just too busy, or is there an underlying cause? How am I feeling about my partner right now? How important is sex to me? Is a lack of sex something I can really live with?”

Once you’ve done this, you can have an open and honest conversation with your partner about why the lack of sex is a problem for you. It’s crucial to frame the conversation in a way that doesn’t place blame on them. Try using “I” statements, such as “I’ve noticed that we haven’t been having sex lately, and it’s making me feel distant from you.” This approach keeps the focus on your feelings and minimizes the possibility of starting an argument.

Most importantly, be open to the possibility that your behaviors have contributed to the issue, too, and try to empathize with your partner’s perspective. “Remember that a conversation is a two-way street,” Doares says. “You also must be willing to listen to their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and expectations around it. That’s where the seeds of a solution are.” If previous attempts to discuss this have led to fights, consider seeing a therapist who can facilitate a more productive conversation.

For couples who have grown distant, McNeil suggests trying “sensate touch” to reacquaint yourselves physically. This involves being present (so leave your phone in another room) and focusing on the sensation of touching your partner and being touched in return. It’s more about intimacy and less about sex. This can help distant couples feel emotionally safe with each other again.

“When couples haven’t been intimate in some time, there is a tendency to want to make sure they have sex that ends in a win for both,” McNeil says. “This is often unrealistic, so re-igniting a sense of familiarity, desire, connection, and intimate awareness of each other’s body again while taking sex off the table can ignite desire to return to an intimate relationship.”

When To Leave A Sexless Relationship

If you’ve had honest conversations with your partner and there’s no sign of change, it could be a red flag for your relationship. According to McNeil, “A person who doesn’t show empathy, concern, compassion, or interest in taking their partner’s needs into consideration has deeper intimacy issues than just not having sex.” If your partner lashes out, becomes defensive, or refuses to see a therapist with you, these are signs they might not be the right partner for you long-term.

Sometimes couples realize they’re sexually incompatible. Maybe your libidos are mismatched, or your sexual needs don’t align. In that case, the most important question to ask yourself is how important sex is to you in a relationship. Is it a dealbreaker if your partner doesn’t want sex as often as you do?

If so, staying in a sexless relationship will leave you feeling increasingly unfulfilled, creating more problems down the line. Don’t be afraid to call it quits if your needs aren’t being met. You deserve a partner who is a better fit for you