Let me paint you a picture. You get dumped. Brutally, heartbreakingly dumped. The breakup leaves you devastated, and you spend months mourning the loss of your relationship. Then, one day, you wake up feeling a bit better and start moving on with your life. Just as you’re finally feeling like yourself again and putting yourself back out there, your ex reaches out to you. If you find yourself spiraling a bit, it’s OK. Receiving a text or DM from an ex can trigger strong feelings. Clinical psychologist and author Dr. Beth Kurland explains that being suddenly thrust back into the emotions of your breakup can even activate the part of your brain that perceives pain. “When we break up and later get a text from an ex, this can re-trigger and activate that same neural circuitry,” Kurland told Elite Daily. “We crave that same pleasure we once experienced with this person, which can help explain why it is so hard to let go of an old relationship and why it can even become an obsession.” Unless your ex’s message has a clear and direct purpose, such as an invitation to meet up and talk things over, it’s likely that your ex is “breadcrumbing” you. Bela Gandhi, president of Smart Dating Academy, describes breadcrumbing as giving random “crumbs” of attention without a clear purpose, often stringing you along with no intention of actually doing anything. So, what should you do when an ex contacts you years later? Here are some lessons from real experiences shared by women on Reddit about when an ex came back out of the blue.
She Laughed with Her Fiancé About Her Ex’s Message
“One guy I dated four years ago reached out to me randomly in the last few months. He complained about women and dating, told me how great he’s doing, and called himself a lone wolf. My fiancé thought it was hilarious. Eventually, I stopped responding.” —u/Jilltro
She Knew Better Than to Let Him Back into Her Life
“I dated him for four years; he was my first love and broke my heart countless times. He reached out to me over two years after leaving me and getting engaged three months later (surprise – they didn’t work out). He didn’t even apologize, just wanted to ‘check up on me.’ I told him to f*ck off and never contact me again, and he acted so shocked and offended. Lol. Too many heartbreaks, and I know myself too well to allow him back into my life in any way at all.” —u/woodlandolive
He Kept Reaching Out Until She Deleted Him Off Her Facebook
“My cheating university ex used to reach out to chat and ask how my life was going every now and then for about five years after we broke up. I chatted with him politely a few times out of curiosity and told him my life was awesome. I deleted him off Facebook a few years ago, so I’ve not heard from him since then. There is no relationship; I have no desire to stay in touch.” —u/standstagger
He Watches All of Her Instagram Stories Even Though He Doesn’t Follow Her
“My ex, who I dated for almost five years, keeps viewing my Instagram stories even though he doesn’t follow me. He sees them almost as soon as they’re posted, and it’s creepy. We broke up almost three years ago, and he has had a girlfriend for two years.” —u/sleepyemoji
He Reached Out During Her Grandma’s Funeral
“Not long ago, an ex wrote to me during my grandmother’s funeral. I was in a relationship with him for many years, but in the end, he had many problems and didn’t treat me as he should. He cheated on me. I am happier without him in my life. He found a new girlfriend after only two months. We broke up a few years ago, and I’m still single by choice. He wrote a very complicated message about wanting to know how my life was going. My response was cold but polite. He understood that I didn’t want to talk to him, so he didn’t continue. He always knew that I prefer not to be friends with my exes.” —u/Maple_girl
These stories highlight the importance of knowing your worth and maintaining boundaries when an ex unexpectedly reappears in your life. Stay strong and remember that you deserve better.
